Poverty Workout Chapter 1: Tone those Flabby Arms

DISCLAIMER:  This is a post from my HUMOR blog. This is only a somewhat lame attempt on my part to be satirical and witty. Please do NOT try this exercise at your apartment complex - especially with would-be gym partners you only have a nodding acquaintance with.

For over 10 years now I have prided myself on staying in the best physical shape possible by my weekly trips to the gym to pump iron.

I was fortunate in my younger years to have a physique that always looked toned and needed little maintenance. Till I turned 30 years old. One fateful day after I turned 30, I was in the bathroom checking out all sides of myself, just making sure that all necessary parts were still in the right place. (EVERYbody does this, whether they admit it or not)

All was good until I aimed the mirror in the direction of my butt. It was like my ass had been evicted for nonpayment of rent by the rest of my body and had decided to covertly move in the middle of the night. There it was, the traitor, sneakily making its way down towards the back of my upper thighs where I suspected it was going to hang out for a while until it decided to sneak off in the middle of the night again and even farther south.

I decided then and there, it was time to take charge, and so I joined the first of many gyms. Also, I figured that working out regularly would cancel out any physical devastation to my body caused by my chain smoking alcoholism.

Here it is 2009. I am broke and can't afford a gym any longer. Yet, I refuse to look like one of the babes in a mumu that make up the elite of our apartment complex.

So I came up with a plan for those of you like me, on a sub budget that somehow allows you to continue to be a chain smoking alcoholic, yet money for gym memberships continue to elude you.

So, here is the first exercise in a series from my new book The Poverty Workout - Tone Those Thighs On SSI and other workout exercises:

Part #1: Flabby under arms tone up: No dumbbells? No problem. Keep your under arms in superior shape in this fun daily work out you can do any old time, but is more fun if you have a partner, or partners. I got this folksy idea from the down home gals with 10 children and no job who continue to reside in my apartment complex.

I call it the "Bitch, I know it was you (fill in the blank)" arm toning workout: This is surprisingly simple really and I've found that it does actually keep those triceps toned. This is all you do:

Wearing loose comfortable clothing and running shoes, stand outside your apartment between the hours of 4 and 5 pm. This is about the time the other gals are starting to wake up for the day and have just slammed down the first Budweiser of many, so finding a partner shouldn't be a problem. Wait for your potential partner to walk outside with her screaming kids, hauling a walmart plastic tub pull of skidmarked briefs and polyester housedresses, with the intention of doing laundry. Approach her from the back and SPIN to the right (Remember to inhale and hold your core abdominal muscles in tight! - this will really help develop body strength which goes a long way in helping you tone every muscle).



Point your fiinger, while elongating your whole arm and flex all the muscle groups at once as you yell at your partner something like: Bitch! I know it was you dat blowed ma man last nite while eyd at the clinic!!

You don't have to use this exact phrase. You can use, "Bitch I know'd it twas you dat stol my crackpipe!", or" Bitch, gemme back my black spandex cat suit afor a kick yo ass again"! (You can even make up your own! The idea is for you and your partner to have FUN with it while toning those arms).

Do this 10 times alternating between the left and right arms. It's important to hold the the flex each time for at least 30 seconds.

As an extra bonus: You may get lucky enough to have a partner that wants to pump up the volume on your work out. If this is the case you will know that it's time to go into uber-toning mode when the laundry basket is flung to the ground and she comes at you full force. At this point, make sure to turn sharply and head for the nearest unblocked clearing while pumping those arms to and fro in metronome fashion. Remember, the longer you run and pump, the more tone those arms become.


 






NOTE: Our model Jaimee is holding a pot that can be used as a barbell to increase your arm flex workout. It also doubles as a weapon as sometimes those exercise partners can get kind of cranky for some unknown reason.

Next week's Excercise: Part #2 "Is That A Bon Bon I see on the Sidewalk?"- Butt Squat and Lift Toning for the Deiriere.

The Four Agreements - a companion on the journey

The year I turned 42 was the years things started to really open up for me spiritually.  It was my time for it I guess. It was also the year I started really thinking about four truths. 

I'm sure you've heard of The Four Agreements by now.  

When I discovered them by accident - handwritten and taped to the secretary's desk - I was working as a case management assistant in a major hospital.  And I remember that day clearly, as I was feeling the fallout of severe disillusionment with an uncaring system and was starting to question the point of all things. (Things I usually have a pretty good handle on - being born an optimist).

When I read them, I remember thinking to myself that they made 100% total sense.  And the precepts were SO logical. Why hadn't any of them ocurred to me before?  The answer is they have.  They've occurred to us all. And what's more, all of us have lived by their principles at least a few hundred times in our lives.

And it doesn't really matter what "religion" you are, or if you're any religion at all for that matter.  I truly believe every great book of enlightenment - from the Bible to the Talmud - orginally taught these truths - until man's greed and desire for control mucked them up for all of us. 

Oh well, maybe that's all  part of the plan.  One of our lessons being to discover like a treasure what we've known all along.

So in case you've forgotten them. Here they are again - by Don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The Four Agreements - Precious in their simplicity and the fact that they apply to us and everyone in our lives - no matter how small the role. 

The real 24 carat Golden Rules.

Many Seasons, Many Soulmates

We LISTEN to love songs.

That's all I need to say to you. Even if everything else you read from me today ends up sounding Greek from here on out, that first sentence will be the only one that I ever needed to write to get your attention and recognition to begin with.

We listen and HEAR what love songs tell us. They tell us that there is only one true love out there for each person, only one true soul that will see you as you are, understand you, accept you, return that love and reflect your message in a bottle back to you, freeing all the pain, emotion and feeling previously frozen inside of you

They promise us we will become free, yet as one with this soul mate, and we'll be able to breathe again. And love songs tell the truth. They just stretch it a wee bit when in verse and melody they make IMMORTAL that which turns out to be as elusive and temporary as everything else in the world.

I am writing about the one lesson I have finally absorbed in my heart from the precious soul mates I have been honored to love along my journey, and I reflect on it often. It's actually a very simple truth but one that's very hard to accept until you are ready to see, my grasshopper.

I am writing about the one lesson I have finally absorbed in my heart from the precious soul mates I have been honored to love along my journey, and I reflect on it often. It's actually a very simple truth but one that's very hard to accept until you are ready to see.

I believe, no, I am convinced, that we are sent here to earth to learn and grow in order to become the people we are meant to be. As we change and grow physically, our minds are opening, changing and hopefully, growing as well.

I heard a saying a few years ago that I have carried around with me ever since. It goes something like - People are in your life for either a season, a reason, or a lifetime. If you really stop and think about it you realize that you are NOT the person you are now that you were even a year ago. I know that at 46 years old I am still growing.

In thinking back, I realize that in each important SEASON of my life, I indeed had a true love that I swore my heart to, complete with commitment and all the trappings that go along with what the love songs tell us. That person WAS my one and only soul mate for THAT time in my life.

I didn't realize it then when it came to what I know now was it's natural end, but the relationship I shared with that person at THAT time was perfect and complete. And what's more, my soul is better now for having that person in my life then. It was what we both needed for whatever our final purpose in life is.

There are also those soul mates who came into my life for a reason, and those relationships aren't always smooth sailing. I married the LOVE of my life for another life SEASON and we stayed together long after our shelf-life had run out.

I remember feeling for years like I was not living MY life, and I know he wasn't living his either. Neither one of us really broached the subject but neither one of us was happy or content. I actually prayed and prayed hard that he would find someone he LOVED NOW so I would be able to go. When that actually happened, I was devastated but only for the reason that my OLD life with him was at end.

We ended 18 years, thank God, on amicable terms and now as friends, we have the close relationship we could never have as marrieds. But we needed each other for our lessons for the season we shared. And I thank him for helping my soul to grow.

The lesson I now know he was teaching me all those years we were together was the lesson of discovering my strength inside. And he was not a gentle teacher grasshopper.

Do I believe that you end up eventually with the kind of soul mate all those songs promised you so long ago? Yes I do.

I do believe I have that at last. But it only seemed to appear after I had been honed, by trial and error, into the person I am now who accepts herself totally. It took years for that to happen to me.

I finally see and love myself, faults and all. It was as much about knowing and refusing to accept what I didn't want, as it was about what I thought I needed from love.

I believe that when you end up with your soul mate from the love songs, you will be able to walk together from there on in life. Your journey and his will still be rightly all your own, but there will be a loving companion to hold your hand when you need assurance and quiet strength.

I believe your song soul mate will be the one you become the most open for, and you will be able to feel each other's warmth and acceptance even on the coldest days when you are apart for even the littlest while.

So try to remember that everything you are now, will be in the future and truths you have learned so far was accomplished with the help of many other souls sent to make your path a bit clearer. They are who they are and will become due in part to your help with their journey, as well.

Thanks Face Book!

Well it's official. 

Our sweet puppy Fluffy - our 1 year old 75 lb pit bull - has finally managed to get us evicted from our apartment due to his size.  We tried everything to get management to accept him.  We named him Fluffy;  we cut down his food intake in a vain attempt to keep his size below the 25lb weight limit.  We even stuck a Hilary Clinton mask on him when we walked him and tried to introduce him as an extremely homely cousin.  All to no avail.

 And as life usually rolls at these times, it’s NOT the most convenient time to look for a new place for several other reasons:

I’ve been unemployed since April.  And wouldn’t you know it,  all the jobs in the paper that don’t require a Bachelor of Science degree are offering about $300 less than I’m making ON unemployment. 

By the way - If you ARE lucky enough to possess this particular sheepskin, great!  All you will have to do once you get the job is plan on moving into the office and taking on personal errands for staff in addition to your office duties.  Errands such as buying presents for wives, bringing them lunch, and handling their dry cleaning.  Kind of like that popular Girl Friday position we females filled in the 50's.  The one we thought we’d seen the last of.

Anyway, I also had to file bankruptcy thanks to a divorce a couple of years ago.   Although my ex-husband and I are still friends – that was one thing salvaged from the split.

My boyfriend and love is still recovering from cancer.  Thank God. We give all the credit to Essiac tea.  (I knew as soon as I tasted it I was maybe on to something big – it tasted like crap so it had to be good for you!)

All in all, not horrific problems like some people are going through I admit, just inconvenient.

However it looks like ALL is saved, thanks to an idea I got from Face Book.  Here’s what happened:

I took a quiz called “What type of house do you belong in?” and answered the questions thoughtfully and truthfully.  It turns out I belong in a SHACK!  Now, normally this would appall me as it’s probably appalling some of you.  But let’s look on the bright side of the coin – This is actually something we can afford to move into even with our big dog, scant unemployment wages, a man still recovering, AND the bankruptcy!

I figure it won’t be too hard to move into one – it’s a SHACK! 

 There’s a multitude of such dwellings available in the seedier parts of Sacramento, and I have seen a couple that would look mighty fine with our 42” LCD TV and our PlayStation tucked away in them.  And who knows?  Some of the shacks may not even have anyone to contact. 

Now the only thing I have to figure out is how to get electricity and internet to our future residence.  If anyone has any ideas I would certainly welcome them!

Get Outta My FACEbook!

It seems like everyone who's still breathing is on Facebook these days. I even joined myself a couple of weeks ago, just to see what all the fuss was about. It's ability to connect you with uber-speed to those you heard had died 5 years before but hadn't, is intriguing, that's for sure. But I've also been finding out that being a member of Facebook isn't just a sign-up and forget it affair. You can't just waltz in, goose a few old buddies, exchange mental spit and waltz out again saying, See ya when I see ya! Oh no. You're expected to make a commitment and spend lots of time there. And it's a lot of work to stay in the good graces of everyone on your friends list.

Within moments of your first log in click, it seems that every person you've ever worked with or gone to school with finds you, and requests a friend connect. And then people on their friendslists will contact you with a request because now you have the first person in common. Then another from that person's list who wants to know you because you know Bobby's cousins third wife's sisters dog asks to be your friend, and so on. And this isn't even including the people you're searching to connect with. Every time you log in it can go on like that for hours, and it gets to where your'e multi-connecting so fast with so many you feel like an ungrateful piece of shit if you even think to log off before midnight - who needs sleep anyway, right? But it gets even worse...

Facebook contains an endless database of specialized cutsie applications for every season, holiday, day of the week, mood, animal, emotion, addiction and bodily function you can think of . Oh but it's all part of the fun! Yes, and every member on your list seems to send out and expect back countless different cutsies daily, and you are expected to follow suit. Upon any log in, you'll usually find your in box is again full to overflowing with smiles, hugs, booty rubs, penis tugs, cute pets, hearts etc that you've been sent and whose senders appear to be waiting for your exchange gift with bated breath - that's what Facebook would have you believe anyway.

The time and effort that goes into accepting and returning even one cutsie to the person who initiated it is mind-boggling. It's not just a simple matter of clicking on it one time to accept and once again to return the kindness. This would be way too convenient - not to mention time-efficient. It's way more involved than that.

For example, say you start with the first cutsie exchange request sent at 3 this morning. When you click to accept " the sparkly and gay flowerbaby teletubby" that Gena sent to brighten your day, a box suddenly pops up on the screen preventing immediate reciprocal- flowerbaby send off back to Gena. The box wants you to stop and choose 15 friends and brighten their days like Gena brightened yours - by sending each of them a flowerbaby teletubby. But there's a catch - the box wants you to be original and choose a different flowerbaby teletubby to send your 15 friends AND Gena.

OK fine. So now you're held up wasting more time as you try to choose a different flowerbaby teletubby as fast as you can without appearing as though no thought at all had gone into the gesture. Looking at the other choices, you notice the only ones you deem passable have been LOCKED (whatever that means) and now you''e left deciding between the retarded looking flowerbaby with one wing named "goofy SPECIAL flowerbaby teletubby" and a deranged-looking happy face flowerbaby teletubby that doesn't have a name but probably doesen't need one as it's homicidal expression pretty much says it all.

So you pick the goofy special flowerbaby teletubby and hope that Gena doesn't think you're implying she's a retard. Hit Send and now the box pops up and reminds you to pick those 15 lucky friends that will get one too! Now that you're stuck calling 16 people retards you may as well finish the job or you'll never get out of this application if you don't. Click. Another box pops up to tell you, OH NO! you don't have enough Facebux to purchase all these retarded bugs BUT you're in luck. Facebook has Pay pal and for just $2 you can purchase them the old fashioned way!

Screw that, right? Click Skip to exit this pain in the ass application - you have 1000 others to answer in your In-box. But before you can leave, another box pops up to let you know that everyone will know what a loser you are if you leave without returning the gift gesture... Because I'm as broke on Facebook as I am in life, this happens to me all the time.

So how I handle it is to leave a Wall Post for all the people on my list and everyone on theirs, to let them know why they haven't received anything from me in return. So they don't think I'm a loser or a Scrooge.

I post something like, "Thanks so much for the gift of your (smiley, fluffy hug, small penis, lewid wink elf, etc.) I did attempt to return your gesture immediately but Facebook says I don't have enough Facebux and I can't afford the $2 to buy them for real. For those of you who still don't appreciate the dilemma this has put me in, please be aware I'm about ready to start my favorite time of the month, and if I get even one snide comment or complaint from any of you I will be sending out Gonna Kick your Fuckin' Ass this Monday smilies, and I'll be showing up in person to deliver the goods."

So far, eveyone seems to be really understanding about the predicament I'm in.

Dating a Control Freak

This is a rather light-hearted, humorous look at the man known as a control freak, but it contains more than a grain of truth in my opinion.

If you're already in deep with a control freak you can probably quote verbatim most of the things I am going to say and I wish you luck in your life with him! 

If you are thinking of dating someone who may be a control freak, or you don't know how to spot one - this is especially for you.

Look, I know no one is Ziggy Marley-cool all the time.   Every person tries to control their environment to some degree. (It makes us feel better to at least have the illusion of control)

The guy I’m talking about is so in control he’s out of control. He's a freak!

Just an FYI: Don't confuse a control freak with a take charge man.  A take charge man is the guy who'd rather be in charge in all matters, of course, but won't let it ruin his life for more than 5 minutes if someone else insists on taking the reigns from him at times or it turns out they're more qualified in some subjects.  In other words, he's flexible to some degree.

The control freak , on the other hand, is so rigid if he moves his ankle outside the allowable parameters he's set for himself, it might break off.  Here are some other signs to be on the lookout  for before it's too late and you become part of his diabolical plan to control the world!

A control freak: 

Has a set schedule to follow.  This includes military-type behaviors such as getting up with the first ding of the alarm clock and  eating the same food at the same times every day.  Oh and pooping is probably scheduled as well. He leaves and returns from work at the exact same times every day.  His whole world is ruined if something like a flat tire or a spot on his tie jams up his routine.  He makes sure everyone knows of his displeasure wherever he goes that day.

Usually has a successful job because he is so anal he works not only his job, but the jobs of his co-workers because he naturally knows their jobs better than they ever will.  This gets him promoted; then everyone around who doesn't really know him thinks he's a demi-god and sings his praises at his brilliance.  Which cements his already solid belief in his controlling ways, and adds to his smug nature to boot.

Usually has a lot of money because he's afraid to lose control by letting any of it go. 

Doesn't  care that the week end is supposed to be for relaxing. You will see him cleaning out his cars, remodeling his garage or weeding out and replanting his garden for the fourth time that month, each and every weekend.  If you're his girlfriend and especially if you're his wife, you will be doing exactly what he's doing, and being scrutinized to make sure you do it right the first time.

Is usually at the top of his game in whatever 5 competitive extreme sports he is currently intimidating other's in.  Usually he'll  end up with unbroken records in these sports because eventually no one wants to get beaten by him and also have to deal with his smug attitude when he naturally wins again. 

Picks the places for dinner that he deems acceptable.  This also goes for picking friends.  The lucky people the control freak invites into his small circle as friends are usually those he secretly finds almost live up to his standards of perfection, but not completely, insuring he will still be fawned over by them as their role model.  

Teaches his children to adhere to the same military-type rules as he, monitors all games, their grades and of course, their friends.  Most of these children also have an annoying tendency of growing up to become just like dear old Dad.
 

Will weed out his significant other's friends in such a selective and gentle manner that she will often not realize what has happened until she remembers she hasn't seen Crazy Judy in months.

Rarely throws spur of the moment extended family social events, like dinner.  He will pick a significant day of the week for them to come for dinner every week,  say like Wednesday.  If for some reason they stop by on Tuesday and end up eating a snack with the family he will cancel that  Wednesday's standing dinner date, and count the Tuesday snack as that week's dinner.  

Please let me reiterate that the control freak controls everything in his world to the nth degree.  To be a part of  his world is to be in his world and you will be expected to adhere to the same standards as he does.  I know someone in this situation now.

Your free time will be limited at best or you might not have it at all, depending on his temperment.

The control freak judges others for their flexibility and more relaxed natures in life.  He finds them lacking and weak because he is petrified that he still has those very same characteristics, as someone, usually a parent, convinced him he was lacking and  weak during his childhood.  So he will most likely continue to be an over-achiever in everything and expect that from you, until he gets professional help or he passes away in his sleep.

Although lots of times the control freak has a good heart deep down inside, dating and attaching yourself to him will make you one tired puppy!

The friends first principle

So you're in love and you're a couple! Great...but are you friends with your lover as well?   
 
Years ago, when we each completed our own personal blueprint for finding that special someone with hopes of becoming entwined with them in a solid romantic relationship, some of us left off that important little detail that should have been Number 1 on our list of non-negotiables, and in fact should be written in stone.     
 
As fairytale-silly as it sounds, we all want to believe that we’ll meet someone who will not only love and adore us instantly, but will mind-read their way through our cluttered thoughts, understand all our crazy emotions, and forever agree with us unconditionally - no matter what dribble we're preaching that day.
 
However, contrary to popular love songs and the movies, romantic partners don’t always treat each other like precious jewels, nor do they always understand or even want to understand where the other is coming from.
 
Often the wheels are set in motion the instant a couple first says "I love you" to each other.  It suddenly get complicated once things between them take a turn for the serious. One person in the relationship starts to take only his thoughts and feelings into account and ignores those of his partner, or her insecurities begin to rain over everything in sight, distorting reality with jealousy and control issues. And if this is the ongoing foundation of the relationship it is already doomed, as neither person will ever feel emotionally safe with the other, to say the least. 
 
So does this mean it's rare to ever share an unshakable bond with another? Is it next to impossible to be able to truly adore and understand someone and have those same feelings returned in kind? Or let's put it another way - Can two people fall in love, find a healthy relationship with each other and grow closer to become even happier together as the years go on?
 
Yes, this kind of relationship is totally possible. But it takes some practice, and both parties need to be open to learning and be willing to apply a key denominator to their relationship I call the friendship first principle.
 
 
 
I know the word friend isn’t a sexy one.  It doesn’t inspire the butterflies-in-the-stomach kick that gets us high as a kite when we think passion and romance!
 
But then think back to the past and the times that passion and romance faded away to nothing, and a relationship ended for lack of anything substantial to cement it  - like mutual respect, trust and genuine affection. 
 
The friendship first principle is simple and logical. All it requires is that both of you choose to openly communicate with and respect the other as a rule from that moment on. Things you should already be doing anyway, right?  That, and recognizing the other person is your friend first and lover second, and then treating them as such.
 
Accepting your lover as your friend before anything else can be a real challenge for a lot of us.  We've had years to collect the heavy emotional luggage we drag with us and dump, usually unintentionally, on the people in our lives.
 
A lot of us are afraid to give our partners more space and understanding, thinking that if we relinquish our grip on any part of the relationship, we will lose everything. But it is important to remember that controlled love is unhealthy and isn't really love at all. 
 
And when taken in this context, it's clear we’ve already lost what was important.
 
So consider this. By selflessly showing love and total acceptance to the other, you each demonstrate the faith you have in the other’s abilities to make decisions that are right for them - without uselessly worrying how the outcome might affect you. And just as your friendships in the past have been built on genuine affection and high regard for another person, it is the same in the love relationship -There are no reasons to keep hidden agendas or let  insecurities grow monstrous.  Giving in to these negatives will only cause resentments and fear to pile up and that eventually wears you both down to nothing.
 
Now I’m not saying that in becoming friends with your partner your relationship will be without it's challenges and hardships. Naturally, there will be shaky times in life and conflicts between a couple and yes, there will also be simply those days where one or the other may not act with sweetness and light.  But when you’re friends, the arguments and troubled times are worked out by honest communication and support for each other. You each know without question the other is always there to hold onto in times of worry and strife, whatever the causes may be.   You both know it's safe to open up about anything in this sanctuary and there's freedom for both to grow to their full potential, all because of the shared certainty that the intentions of  each for the other, and the relationship, are pure ones.
 
And what's more, I speak from experience that having a partner who not only loves and accepts you without conditions, but shows that he likes you and vice versa, goes a long way in melting away damaging insecurities and greatly intensifies desire and physical passion for each other in the bedroom.  Talk about aphrodisiacs!
 
Developing this kind of relationship can make you closer to each other than you ever dreamed possible. Continued exchanges of trust and acceptance between you both, and always keeping open communication with each other as friends always do, will only deepen your love bond, strengthen your feelings of emotional safety and cement your realization of truly having found a haven in this uncertain world.
 
To break it down simply - A real connection with another person completes your soul. Completely. You are one together yet free to be yourselves. You share without chains a place in this world. And both of you will feel it inside  - Together, you are finally  home.
 
 
 
NOTE: This is my first article on Examiner.com

How I Became a Writer

I’ve been writing since the age of 7, already off to a notorious start when I wrote my very first poem. It was a beautiful handwritten piece of prose that I promptly presented to my grandmother as a gift.  This now-legendary family document was researched carefully by me for words that would complete verses by rhyming with new “grown up” words I had just learned. The words I selected as the winners were “truck”, “hit” and “runt”.  Insisting she wanted to save my gift for a special occasion, my grandmother had chosen to wait and read my first poem aloud to an audience of her church friends at the women’s faculty board annual potluck lunch, one fateful Sunday.

Imagine the surprise of all in attendance, to say the least, when she read my literary genius word for word to a stunned group, apparently not comprehending the content as she spoke.  Bursting with pride for her first grandchild, she  continued to read loudly and sentimentally; on and on, issuing forth an unholy  barrage of childish, dirty, limerick-y half poems whose meanings were perfectly clear, if not professionally crafted. 

A bit different from the wholesome I-love-Jesus prose she was expecting, although I do think He was mentioned in the content once or twice.  

WALMART GREETERS, CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS, AND STALKERS.....

I am being stalked by Walmart.

It's kinda my fault, I guess.  I have been trying to make extra money online as my family and I are ONE STEP away from moving in to that "rent free" freeway underpass near the shadier part of town. (Can you get internet there?) 

Anyway, I have been signing up with paid survey sites and joining "click on" paid email programs. Before you think, SUCKER!, I want to say that I checked out ALL the programs I belong to beforehand, via Ivetriedthat.com - great site by a couple of guys who give you the low down on all the scammers out there that are trying to take, literally, your last dime.  But there are some legitimate programs that eventually pay off, if you work at it, which I have been doing EVERY spare moment for the last 4 weeks.  Until I discovered BLOGGING, of course,  and even better for my top ramen habit, PAID BLOGGING.  My internet obsession with All of it, has led me to my current predicament with Walmart.

One night,  I unwittingly clicked on a "survey"  which started out consisting of  windows that would open to ask  boring questions that required redundant typing. IF I happened to answer "yes" to ANY question in any window, the program would open  MORE  endless windows, requiring the same redundant typing of the same crap I had just told the 100 windows before this one. (Guess the windows were too dirty for all the advertisers to take down my information at once)

 So, all because I believed in the name of Walmart, I am now in this stalker situation.  (I know, I know!  They use foreign children at slave labor prices so we can afford to buy ugly furry bedroom slippers that fall apart the moment you put the on, blah blah blah. But that didn't stop me from shopping there - NOT gonna lie!).  All because I trusted that the low price leader was on the level  when an announcement popped up on the screen saying I had WON a $1000 Walmart gift card.  Ok, at the time, all I could think of was how many slave-labor-fueled cheap chachci I could buy at once! I mean, I am a woman filing bankruptcy, without permanent employment, budgeting my food money at the DOLLAR store,  hoping to find 2for1 deals. Furthermore,  I'm not always able to indulge my chronic alcoholism during the times  that  wine doesn't show up on the Dollar Store truck pallet of weekly bargain deliveries. I mean, I went a little crazy!

To get to the point, Walmart was offering me a "gift" card, in fact, I had WON it! All I had to do was SIGN up with one each of their GOLD, SILVER, and PLATINUM sponsors, which (in tiny print it turns out) MAY require a purchase or acceptance by a  major credit card that was one of their GOLD, SILVER, or PLATINUM sponsors. Now, I'm not against using credit cards, as long as they understand that it's almost a GIVEN that I won't be paying them back anytime soon; if they're ok with that - GREAT, I say SIGN ME UP! But I don't think these particular lending institutions were going to go along with my credit protocol rules.

Anyway, I quit clicking on the Walmart ad for the free-gift-card (doesn't make sense - free gift - kinda like saying I'll loan you some lunch)  I deleted immediately every email I got with Walmart or gift card in the subject line of the ad.  And Walmart sent them twice a day. So twice a day they got deleted.  Then Walmart started doubling up the ads, asking me if I forgot about my FREE GIFT card?  Delete, delete, delete, delete!!

Then Walmart started "threatening" (I can't think of a better way to describe it) to have my $1000 FREE GIFT card delivered to my door on.....Monday!  Delete!  Then they sent more email ads stating that my FREE GIFT card (AKA FGC) would be delivered on random weekdays. Delete, delete! For some reason, the $1000 FGC started to sound like something evil in disguise pretending to like me. I started to believe that maybe Vito would show up with a gun and a walmart bag with a message from a "friend".  (I had my dog answer the door for a couple of days, just to be on the safe side)

Then, I didn't see anymore ads from Walmart. Finally, maybe they had just given up on me, ungreatful bitch!, and would be giving  the FGC to a more deserving email recipient, one that appreciated how hard they worked to GIVE someone a nice surprise!

Slowly, email life got a little more postelly unclogged. I would rush home from work, take a few surveys and click on some inbox dollar emails and unwind.  If I didn't have wine because the Dollar Store's supply had run out, I would have a cuppa ANYTHING with alcohol in it; rubbing alcohol, wood treatment alcohol, etc. Life was good again!  Then, one day, I got an email saying that some company had a data entry job for me via telecommuting!!  I had signed up with some legit work at home companies, so this seemed logical. With bated breath, I clicked on the email expecting to see an offer of employment, or at least an ad for a paid database list.  What I didn't expect to see was that stupid yellow Walmart happy face, looking at me like a really disappointed CHUCKY, with a message  that said simply, Why? As in: WHY don't you want your $1000 FGC? What did we do? Was the offer NOT good enough? Does Walmart have to slash open their corporate vein with  happy face's sword to make you change your mind? Don't you know WE LOVE YOU?? On and On it went, like a dangerously psychotic jewish mother, mixing guilt with terror and frightening me enough that I got another email address that Walmart didn't have access to.

Anyway I wish this story ended with that piece of WEIRD, but it is still going on. I have only received 2 or so Walmart emails at my regular email address in the last two weeks.  But now they're really playing dirty pool with me in their attempts to get me to turn.

 One of the emails from Walmart was under the subject line "RE: Your court date for your bankruptcy hearing has been changed; please open immediately"!  Heart pounding, I click on the email, only to see the  WALMART, yellow happy face grinning demonically and kinda floating on the screen.   The second email was just down right WRONG. It LOOKED like an email from my dad.  My dad is 82 and my mother has alzheimers so they both have mortality staring them in the face.  Well, my dad does, twice, cause my mom doesn't know what that means one time anymore. But I digress.  Anyway, this email subject line says "Lisa Call Home immediately".

 Visions of hospitals and ICUs dancing in my head. Then funeral plannings and OH GOD, cleaning up their house and trying to field through the bills that  they owe.  Then, worst case scenario, JUST a broken hip, and YOU need to move in and take care of them, you owe them! Plus, you worked in a hospital wiping butt for many years, you're used to it. (FYI - This is written for purely humorous magnification, I love my parents very much. I will be devastatead when they pass....) But back to the email.  When I click on it and it opens, it's that same freakin smiley yellow asshole face that will haunt my nightmares for years to come.  The message this time simply says "Hi".

Anyway, thats my tale.  I avoid all Walmarts like the plague now. I treat every "suspect" email with too happy a sounding subject line like it contains eboli virus. If I hear whistling out of the blue, I freeze in my tracks.  I don't want anyone to give me a GIFT nor do I want to receive a CARD, for any reason.

When I can afford to shop, I go to the DOLLAR STORE.  The Dollar Store is  happy to sell me expired cans of god knows what from god knows where it came from in the world. The fact that their customers could be eating ANYTHING and they know it is good enough torture value for them! It's their own Dollar Store FGC, if you will.  But at the least the Dollar Store has the presence of mind not to have in their employ a smiley, evil, yellow boucing devil head in a mask, sporting a sword, for christssake, as their mascot.

So, from now on, I will just stay on my computer and in the house. Safe in my habitat. In the same clothes. Taking my surveys. Taking sleeping pills for insomnia, and sending my dog out for wine....

DISCONNECTION

Do you remember that movie "Powder"?  The one about the albino boy who didn't fit in with the other teenagers? No matter what he did; wore blue contacts, tried to socialize with the other boys, tried to be understood -  he just didn't FIT IN? But he saw things about people no one else could......

Ever since I saw that movie, there is a scene from it that has stuck with me from day one.

In that scene, the wife of the sheriff lays dying in her bed, traumatic enough but there are unresolved family issues going on and she feels  can't leave yet. Powder is there because he "knows" things. He is holding her hand but speaking to her husband about the love and forgiveness that the wife wants the husband and their child to show each other. The wife passes and Powder and the husband are standing outside in the wind, and all around are scenes of trees blowing and lightening and this energy and Powder starts talking about how nothing ever really dies, it just goes out to everything and everybody, and then, (this is the part that I SO relate to) he says something about most of the people in the world feeling disconnected....disconnected from their family, their friends, from God, from themselves - Disconnected and Alone, all the time.  And they don't even recognize it. Then he goes on to say that if they KNEW they were not alone, had never been, that everyone felt that same way, people wouldn't be so miserable with hearts closed off to themselves and to others.

Lately, as I grow older and changes are happening all around me (not all good), that part of the scene comes to me more and more.

I have to admit I struggle with that feeling alot, and always have to some degree. I bet some of you do as well. The emptiest feeling in the world to me is to be  left unachored, cut-off, disconnected from myself and life. The feeling that you could just disappear, ARE disappearing,  is a lonely one.

I am a logical human being, I know logically that I have a higher power, have felt the presence before, have had prayers answered and seen miracles big and small. I have many loved ones in my life who truley care, a man I love with all my heart who loves me just the same way. A home, food, money (well... some change) but still....sometimes....it creeps up, that disconnected feeling.    And when that happens, I am all alone in the most crowded of rooms.

Now changing tracts slightly, I think that this is where the yearning  for the arts and music come from. 

 The NEED to create or expel any  emotion from a soul crying out is JUST as deep as the NEED for the waiting soul who didn't know he was waiting for that reflection of himself. 

All of a sudden one is able to hear, see, taste and touch it, feeling and seeing it looking back at them, never imagining they were  waiting for someone, anyone,  to SAY IT, PAINT IT, WRITE IT, SING IT. 

I have been writing poetry since I was 7 and with me, the need to write is like the need for AIR to my lungs.  I HAVE to get those words out so I can get whatever out. I have to see those feelings and emotions and angst  disguised as mere words on the paper, so I can deal with the monster inside; whether that monster be hurt, disappointment, humiliation or even self-loathing.  Only then am I clean again and open enough to let the light of love and warmth of the heavens in once more.

I don't KNOW where that came from tonight, I was going to write about the joys of impending dementia and the different styles of Depends that might be out on the market in the next couple of years for the "savvy senior" (I have to get ready ya know). Maybe that's what brought this on, but hey, Now its out on paper, I feel warm again, and I can finally sleep.  Have a good night....

Can We Still Be Friends?

It is NOT impossible to be friends with your EX.

I am going through a divorce right now with my estranged husband. We were together for a total of 18 years. 18 looooong years. The first 5 were intense, passionate, dramatic and fueled at times by illegal additives. What can I say? At 27 I knew everything and was immortal.

The thing is, people change. You are not the same person you were, even a year ago. And certainly that applys to a partner. As I see it, a lot of marriages/domestic relationships have a shelf-life that usually runs out long before either party is able to see it or wants to admit it. There are a lot of people who numb their way through life in a situation that doesen't fit them, allow them to grow or even breathe.  I was one of them. I am sure he was too.

My husband and I met when he was a heavy metal singer in Sacramento, CA and I was a younger, more naive me.  After living that "scene" for a few years, getting ourselves into trouble, dealing with his psychosis brought out by alcohol and other substances, becoming homeless and all the other fun and games that come with the territory, we shucked it all,  packed up a truck and our cats and moved to Chico, Ca.

We stopped partying and started living "responsibly". He wasn't violent anymore, but he wasn't "there" either. I would ask him to talk, to share feelings, anything.....I walked on eggshells when he was crabby, I danced around like a monkey on aderall to make him laugh.....nothing....  At this point I should have RUN to the nearest therapist to scan myself for computer viruses and glitches but I did the next best thing and married  him.

The remaining years go something like this: He gets a job, I get a job - We buy a house, He wants to race cars, I want him to be in a good mood so I help him finance whatever he needs (I discover that good humour has a 5 minute time limit), I get a  job where I don't get home until he's asleep (I'm happy), He gets a better job and wants more expensive cars to demolish on the track (he's still unhappy), I get a better job and help all I can, He's still whining about not being able to race enough and at this point I just want him to shut up so I pull out the plastic. We refinance, get second mortgages, fight about what we don't have, I drink ALOT, et et et.  You get the picture. He doesn't get me, I don't get him. He hates my friends, I hate his arrogance.  And so on...BUT

Before this could end in tradgedy -a stroke for him, cirrhosis for me- something wonderful happened. GOD answered my prayers.  I swear on a stack of bibles - it went just like this:  For the last two years, everynite before I went to bed, I PRAYED for GOD to send him a girlfriend, someone he actually loved and  understood. See my husband, unhappy as he was, had told me numerous times that NO ONE could ever take my place, LUCKY ME, (anyone seen the wine?) But now, he couldn't believe it himself, He was in LOVE, she was 25 years old, and God himself must have molded her character because she was his carbon copy in all her beliefs and attitudes.

I am glossing over this a little by my non-chalance. It did happen, just like that. And I'm not going to lie, I was devastated by the fact that the only life I had known for the last 18 years was finally over. Like a death. Like the Stockholm syndrome. But a new chapter for both of us...whatever that may bring..

So here is our relationship now, it goes like this: Phone rings, it's him: Hey, where have you been? I haven't talked to you in a week. Let me tell you what Shauna and I did last week...Or I'll call him: Yo Ex grumpy spouse, what's shakin? Todd says hi (That's my new guy, he's just like me...) OR, we will call each other for advice, OR just to share a joke, OR to help with money, OR when when one of us is feeling upset about something. 

 Finally, I am having the relationship with him as a friend that we somehow couldn't have in our marriage.

Better late than never.

My Name Is URL.....

Ok, I give up!

I am ALMOST without a job. My temp clerical position ends mid-week, sometime, and I don't want to hear the news. I have been avoiding my temp "supervisor" at the office where I work; everytime he comes near me I mumble some unintelligable about "woman problems, bathroom, go, now!" and dash off to wherever he's not.

So, I figure there's no time like the present to become that famous writer I already am in my mind!  I have been researching those sites on the internet where they accept content for publishing and pay. Associated Content, etc. (thanks to an idea from one of you lovely ladies on PNN), sorry, old age (and wine!) is making it hard for me to recall your name.

To make a long story mercifully less boring, I will be quick on this topic.  I have signed up with Wrongblog.com, Humor-blog.com, and Pay per post.com, in addition to Associated Content.  EVERY time I get ready to post this REALLY cool (in my opinion anyway) blog I did this weekend about male balding and their "fix-it" options, I get shut down by URL....Now, I don't know who URL is, I don't know where to find URL, I don't know what URL does for a living, or his family background. I don't think I ever got drunk with URL behind the 7-11 in my younger days and I'm  PRETTY sure I wouldn't have been tempted to throw my panties at the stage if URL were singing in a rockband.   All I know is URL sounds like he lives at Pheasant Showdown Trailer Park, AND he is making my life a living cyberhell. 

All these sites want to know about MY URL, and I've never met him.  I know  MY "TODD", will that work? I know Todd well, he's the love of my life. I know all  HIS information.  I would be happy to link my baldy blog to Todd. He won't mind, he has a full head of hair.

So if any of you lovely ladies know how I can reach this "URL", and if I can pay him to make a "guest" appearance on one or all of the blogsites I joined, I would be forever grateful, and I will happily finish off this bottle of wine, IN YOUR NAME!