Poverty Workout Chapter 1: Tone those Flabby Arms

DISCLAIMER:  This is a post from my HUMOR blog. This is only a somewhat lame attempt on my part to be satirical and witty. Please do NOT try this exercise at your apartment complex - especially with would-be gym partners you only have a nodding acquaintance with.

For over 10 years now I have prided myself on staying in the best physical shape possible by my weekly trips to the gym to pump iron.

I was fortunate in my younger years to have a physique that always looked toned and needed little maintenance. Till I turned 30 years old. One fateful day after I turned 30, I was in the bathroom checking out all sides of myself, just making sure that all necessary parts were still in the right place. (EVERYbody does this, whether they admit it or not)

All was good until I aimed the mirror in the direction of my butt. It was like my ass had been evicted for nonpayment of rent by the rest of my body and had decided to covertly move in the middle of the night. There it was, the traitor, sneakily making its way down towards the back of my upper thighs where I suspected it was going to hang out for a while until it decided to sneak off in the middle of the night again and even farther south.

I decided then and there, it was time to take charge, and so I joined the first of many gyms. Also, I figured that working out regularly would cancel out any physical devastation to my body caused by my chain smoking alcoholism.

Here it is 2009. I am broke and can't afford a gym any longer. Yet, I refuse to look like one of the babes in a mumu that make up the elite of our apartment complex.

So I came up with a plan for those of you like me, on a sub budget that somehow allows you to continue to be a chain smoking alcoholic, yet money for gym memberships continue to elude you.

So, here is the first exercise in a series from my new book The Poverty Workout - Tone Those Thighs On SSI and other workout exercises:

Part #1: Flabby under arms tone up: No dumbbells? No problem. Keep your under arms in superior shape in this fun daily work out you can do any old time, but is more fun if you have a partner, or partners. I got this folksy idea from the down home gals with 10 children and no job who continue to reside in my apartment complex.

I call it the "Bitch, I know it was you (fill in the blank)" arm toning workout: This is surprisingly simple really and I've found that it does actually keep those triceps toned. This is all you do:

Wearing loose comfortable clothing and running shoes, stand outside your apartment between the hours of 4 and 5 pm. This is about the time the other gals are starting to wake up for the day and have just slammed down the first Budweiser of many, so finding a partner shouldn't be a problem. Wait for your potential partner to walk outside with her screaming kids, hauling a walmart plastic tub pull of skidmarked briefs and polyester housedresses, with the intention of doing laundry. Approach her from the back and SPIN to the right (Remember to inhale and hold your core abdominal muscles in tight! - this will really help develop body strength which goes a long way in helping you tone every muscle).



Point your fiinger, while elongating your whole arm and flex all the muscle groups at once as you yell at your partner something like: Bitch! I know it was you dat blowed ma man last nite while eyd at the clinic!!

You don't have to use this exact phrase. You can use, "Bitch I know'd it twas you dat stol my crackpipe!", or" Bitch, gemme back my black spandex cat suit afor a kick yo ass again"! (You can even make up your own! The idea is for you and your partner to have FUN with it while toning those arms).

Do this 10 times alternating between the left and right arms. It's important to hold the the flex each time for at least 30 seconds.

As an extra bonus: You may get lucky enough to have a partner that wants to pump up the volume on your work out. If this is the case you will know that it's time to go into uber-toning mode when the laundry basket is flung to the ground and she comes at you full force. At this point, make sure to turn sharply and head for the nearest unblocked clearing while pumping those arms to and fro in metronome fashion. Remember, the longer you run and pump, the more tone those arms become.


 






NOTE: Our model Jaimee is holding a pot that can be used as a barbell to increase your arm flex workout. It also doubles as a weapon as sometimes those exercise partners can get kind of cranky for some unknown reason.

Next week's Excercise: Part #2 "Is That A Bon Bon I see on the Sidewalk?"- Butt Squat and Lift Toning for the Deiriere.